When darkness falls, that’s when it happens. My mind spirals off into a frenzy of thought. I seek companionship and understanding but it is asleep right next to me. I don’t expect you to wake up and listen to the millions of things that bother me. I don’t think you would even understand.
What is so interesting is that there are so many people who have been there before and passed this point. However, getting someone, just one, to step away from the mirror for a second to help me is next to impossible. It is truly the definition of lonely.
I sit here and think what I will do, in the distant future, when someone asks me for help. The only thing I could do is be there for them so they won’t feel like I feel at this moment. They will have someone to show them the way through the darkness into the light.
Have you ever woke up and realized You had no one? No one to comfort you. Not one person who will listen to you and say, “I know what you’re going through.” That’s the problem with misrepresenting yourself. After all those years no one will really know you.
My therapist is fun to speak with and she is somewhat helpful once every few weeks. Just the fact that I pay her to listen to me discredits her sincerity a bit. Although it is possible she truly cares, I have no choice but to have some doubt in my mind.
The job, the kids, the mortgage, the marriage, the money, the bank, the child support, the writing, the future, the past, the present, the family, the questions, the great beyond, the god, the devil, the Angels, the parents, the car, the flat tire, the health, the weight loss, the diet, the excercise… And the list goes on and on and on and on.
In the above list – where is the me. Will I be selfish to think about myself with all these other responsibilities? I feel yes, but I want someone to tell me no. However, when all these folks depend on me to be this person – it is hard to just say “fuck ’em.” This is not just my life! I belong to other people that need me to be the me they expect me to be.
When you ask the next person where this anxiety comes from make sure you remember this post and realize that it is not just one thing. It’s everything all at once. Please. Just shut your mouth and listen. Let them talk. Soon enough the verbal circles they will make will become straight lines.