by Raquel Swann
It’s a question that only you can answer! And I will tell you it’s so damn difficult to determine. I can only tell you my experiences and I hope it helps…
I have identified myself later in life. Don’t let it happen to you. Emotions are a crazy thing. From birth I was told I was a boy and it just never felt correct. But sometimes the more you hear something the more you believe it. The gender norms surround us and make you feel ashamed to not conform. As you do conform a shell forms and hardens over time. Inside the shell the real you becomes smothered and suffocated. Eventually you will run out of air. It’s inevitable.
As the air ran out and the water levels of stress rose and filled my nostrils, I questioned my sanity. What was true? Am I a villain in a story who’s first chapter began 40 years earlier? I believed I was despicable trash unworthy of love or companionship. Then religion and my upbringing caused more anxiety as I thought I had bought a bus ticket to an eternal roast in hell.
Then I met people like me. People who felt like me. People who thought like me. They were good people. Better than the ones who condemned me to damnation. Those people loved me for who I was. And I’ll admit I didn’t really know who I was one hundred percent.
Emotions are a crazy thing. It was in my darkest despair and the reflection in the mirror that told me the truth. I don’t like myself. Not because I’m fat, or ugly, or gross, or too thin, or too tall, or short. No. It was simple. I didn’t like myself because the reflection wasn’t me – yet. But she was in there. It was then I saw her. Inside waiting to come out. I’m not crazy. I’m just a trans girl coming to terms with it all.
Hi. My name is Raquel and I am transgender. You and me are not alone.