a blog post by Ellie
Love is hard! Impossible to find (at times), define, build and maintain. Love is so hard, and this is coming from someone who had been denying its existence for nearly two decades. My understanding of what it is has evolved and changed greatly over my life and has really been difficult to cope with these changes.
Partners have come and gone who have changed how I think and feel about love. I was so jaded about love in the past, I used code phrases for “I love you” when speaking to family. I could feel it, knew it, but I could not say it. Things have changed, I’ve been living my life in fear and hiding for so long I’ve forgotten what happiness, love and so many of the positive emotions felt like. Believe me, there are so many!
Everyday I feel more and more things I have been hiding and denying. I have grown so much and with each passing relationship I survive I see myself growing and casting away old worn out shields and crusty hardened shells that a former version of me needed. Since becoming honest with myself and being true to who I am I have grown so much. Looking back it seems like a whole different person. That notion that to be yourself others have to kill off the mental version they built over the years of how they saw you. I feel in a way I had to do the same, the husks I formed needed to go! And when they did. The more I open up to those I’ve been surrounding myself with lately the more free and easy I feel. I never knew it could be this way. In a way i didn’t realize how confined and chained down I was till I broke free of my bonds. Hindsight truly is 20/20 I dare say even better! Love is so important! It is important to have, to feel, to know, to hold dearly and close to you! Go out, find it for yourself, Feel it for yourself, know it for yourself, be yourself! No one else will do it for you, cause no one else can! I can’t tell you how far I’ve come but I can say that I brought myself here. I had to break myself down, strip me down to my core and expose myself to the harshest parts of life. Only then was I able to feel again, love again. So if you hear me tell you that I care, that I love, that I am, trust that it is the truth. It wasn’t easy for me to be able to say that, and it wasn’t easy for me to build myself up enough to be able to share like this. I am discovering just how important this is, just what I’ve been missing! It has been a lot!
Ellie is an official contributor to RaquelSwann.com, the home of Transgender Girl Pride!