I was born 40 years ago on May 7th, and have never really celebrated my birthday over the past 20 years. Tuesday, the 10th of September, will completely change all of that for me. That is the day I will be admitted to George Washington University Hospital in Washington, DC in order to have my gender confirmation surgery performed. Normally, one would be anxious or even scared before they have a major surgery, however I can honestly say that the anxiety pales in comparison to the excitement and relief I feel!
Monday will be Hell for me. I will wake up and the day will begin as usual, however I have to perform a “bowel cleanse” before I go into the hospital on Tuesday morning. A few of you reading this just cringed or laughed loudly as you know what I am about to experience. Many of you reading this are wondering what it is and what it will entail. Allow me to explain the truly uncomfortable and painful experience I am about to go through. BEFORE surgery!
Magnesium Citrate is a chemical compound that is suspended (mixed) into a saline laxative and causes your bowels to eject anything that may be in your digestive tract. It is commonly used by those who are chronically constipated and by those who wish to/required to lose a few pounds before performing some type of function. Many times I have heard military recruiters instruct their enlistees to drink this at least 1 day prior to going to the MEPS (Military Enlistment Personnel Station) center to “ship out” for Basic Training. I was one of those people who was informed to drink it almost 25 years ago when I joined the Navy. Insert cringing from readers who remember this personally.
Mag Citrate, as it is referred to, will evacuate your entire digestive system of anything that may be in there. According to medical professionals, it will really only cleanse your system of anything you have recently digested in order to ensure that your digestive tract is clear of anything. However, allow me to say that it will clear one’s system of anything ingested in the last 100 years, including discomfort that one never could possibly imagine. I personally can attest to the stomach discomfort that I had experienced and the small foreign built automobile that I think may have exited my bowels in a forceful manner. I never thought I would have to do that again. Clearly, I was wrong!
On the good side, I hope that this cleanse will help my stomach lose a few pounds before the surgery and I can never argue with losing weight! Truthfully though, the thought of what I am in the neighborhood for is unsettling enough, and I know that it is going to be followed by the most painful and rewarding surgical experience of my life. I will finally have the outside body that will be able to reflect the woman I have always been on the inside. For this, I am extremely excited. And scared.
This brings me to the realization that my time has finally come. Almost 2 full years of hormone therapy, mental health therapy, changing my name with the government and on documents, the end of my marriage and the total acceptance of my children with my true self, and finally the ability to meet and fall in love with the woman who not only accepts me as the woman that I am, but also accepts and loves my children.
For the first time in 18 years, September the 11th will not just be a day of shattered memories from the attack of this nation, but will also be the day of my literal rebirth as well as the rebirth of this country. I know that this is perhaps reminding some of you readers of bad memories, others are also only able to remember what they are told as they were not even born for the events of September 11th, 2001. Just typing that date sent shivers down my spine…seeing it flow from my fingers for one of the first times since that day.
I bring up the events of that day to remind you, dear reader, of the hopelessness that was felt by this entire nation and the world. I also am now seeing the date as the promise of what my future will hold now in the rebirth of myself. The promise of a new day as it welcomes me into it with the open arms of new found forgiveness. The rising of the sun as it falls upon me and the new woman that I will truly feel like when it warms my skin.
I have given my doctor a new name, Dr. Da Vinci. I have heard several women refer to their plastic surgeon after gender confirmation surgery as: Dr. Picasso, Dr. Rembrandt, Dr. Dali. Not I though, I remember Picasso painting what was known as his Blue Period. Rembrandt was an amazing painter, however his images were slightly dark to me. Dali, although one of my favorite artists, did expressionist paintings. None of these are how I would like my vagina to be portrayed. I want my vagina to be a masterpiece, perfection, truly a work of art. Although Da Vinci may have been a little more interested in the fleshy tuber of the same gender as himself, he is the only one I can imagine would put the same thought and design into the female Petal of Love, as he had put into the face of the Mona Lisa and her whimsical smile.
Dr Da Vinci shall mold and shape the region within my panties, to what will hopefully become the most beautiful vagina ever to be found on Earth. I know that this may be a wish that is ill-conceived, it is still my sole wish as I begin the journey on his surgical table. As I described it to Holly earlier this evening, I want my vagina to be in a “Vagina Lineup” and for her to see mine amongst all of them and be able to pick it out with excitement, “That’s MY wife’s vagina!”
On that high note, I shall end this by asking everyone reading to say a small prayer for me Tuesday morning as I begin the surgical journey. I also want to say that it doesn’t matter if you are at the beginning of your transition, 6 weeks, 22 months, or 8 years into it, what matters is that you didn’t shy away from the first step. Be the beautiful person that you are. Be a woman. Be a man. Be non-binary. Be gender non-conforming. Be Two-Gender. It doesn’t matter what you identify as, as long as you are identifying as a human being and know that you deserve and expect love and respect. You are absolutely gorgeous and are the one we all hope will lead others amongst this journey with your head held up high and showing compassion to everyone! Never accept anything less than ALL that you are and can be.
*****Follow UP****** Jocelyn is doing fine and recovering well! We here at TGP are so proud and excited she was able to take the next steps in her life. You GO GIRL! We wish you a speedy recovery.